Feeling very open…

Felling very open...

I had a medical appointment last week. For 4 days previous I hadn’t slept or really accomplished anything. What if they send me back to my abusive workplace?

The day arrived and I somehow got the timings wrong..I blamed it on the new IOS system calendar, but should have checked it more. I missed my appointment. I fell apart in front of the receptionist…and I went in a waiting room to catch my breath. When I came back she was able to get me an appt the next day…the last day of my medical leave. Another 24 hours! But I had to believe it was worth it…that it would work out. Easier said than done.

The next day I had slept a bit and as soon as I spoke to the Medical Officer, I knew it would be okay. She explained that she will classify me as having an Occupational Stress Injury, with PTSD symptoms. This shocked me. MOI? No way. But I trusted her to do the right thing, even though I have severe trust issues now. We talked about meds for PTSD and I think it is time to consider this. I just cannot go on feeling the anxiety, panic, terror, depression etc…daily no matter what I try to do.

I happened to have a therapist appt the same day and she was not surprised at the dx. Why does it seem everyone else is not surprised and I am ???

She explained to me that PTSD involves triggers….and these are different for each person. Two people can experience the same thing and react different…not because one is weaker, because of what that incident triggers in that person. I have been on many parades where you were screamed at in your face, all sorts of situations like this, but it never affected me..in fact, we laughed at it at the time. The therapist explained that this was different…the abuse towards me was personal, never knowing when it was coming, always violent and outbursts and walking on eggshells and knowing the person “had it out for me”.. And supported by the lower chain of command.

Anyways, it will take me a while to absorb this, even talking about it gives me the shakes and will make me weepy…which right now just makes me mad at myself. This is not easy to accept because the person doesn’t see it as easily as everyone else.

So Sunday I stayed in bed all day…never got up. Finally, I forced myself to draw something….anything…and this is what I drew. I don’t know why, it just seemed easier yet busy enough. I began with light pencil, moved to ink, then charcoal for softness, rubbing it a bit. Finally, adding some watercolour pencil highlights, but not very much. I didn’t feel much like adding colour. Gee, I wonder why????!!!!

That’s my art therapy for that day 🙂

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