Baby Moose

  
Baby Moose, prismacolour pencils on Fabriano Bristol 

I haven’t been able to paint or draw since last summer almost 6 months ago. I can’t tell you why or the reasons I just don’t know. I started probably 10 paining since then and stopped and couldn’t finish them. I hate painting.

 I tried oils again but too much work and I just didn’t have the energy to gather all the materials and paint. I missed being precise and blending.

I attended a Veterans retreat and decided to do an art journal of it. I had some coloured pencils from Chris McCullough and just played with them on the paper whatever I wanted to draw. I actually like doing this there was no pressure on me and I could sit in bed and do it.

I will be releasing medically from the Canadian forces in about three weeks. It’s a horrible process to go through. My expectation was that I would work hard in the Canadian forces and apply for civilian jobs and eventually get one and retire from the Canadian forces and move onto a good job. 

But it didn’t happen that way. Instead I got an insecure bastard of a boss who made my life a living hell for year. Workplace bullying harassment whatever you want to call it it was awful. Eventually I had a complete breakdown. Now two years later I am medically releasing from the Canadian forces. And I’m not the same person I was before. Mentally and physically I’m a broken person and I’ve tried and tried to fight my way back. 

So it all ends in three weeks from now. There will certainly not be a depart with dignity ceremony for me. I have a mountain of paperwork to do it’s all confusing and very hard for me. So last week I decided I was going to pay myself a treat and I bought an entire set of polychromos pencil crayons. They’re very expensive but they can’t be more expensive than medication! 

I really love them and I have been back to the drawing and painting, whatever you want to call it. They are a world of difference from the prisma colours and I’ll never go back again. They are oil-based and last really well and work really well on paper. 

For the first time in a long time I feel a little bit better thanks to art. Heart therapy Israel and I don’t even care what I paint anymore I just paint whenever I feel. 

I started with a baby moose. Every time I use those pencils I learn something new about them. I use a prismacolour blender or Taltine odorless solvent to blend the colours. 

Moose

Moose, soft pastels, conte crayons on BFK RIVES paper

Wanted to revisit this moose and try and improve it. I went to a local art school to see about maybe taking a class and imagine my surprise when I walked into the directors office and there on the wall was a huge moose head! I thought I was the only one who liked moose! It was done by a famous artist ( forgot the name) and is her preferred artwork of his. Just a huge moose profile, graphite on a grey paper.

So I just had to redo another moose. I added some colour just to make it interesting. I must have spent 2 hours just in the eye area!

I have turned a corner in my therapy! I was so stuck on the anger towards those who wronged me in the military and caused my breakdown. Just couldn’t get past it.

The therapist gave me an exercise to do everyday, the same time, for half an hour. I was to write down all my angry thoughts on paper. When done, I had to sort out fact from distortion.

Everyday it would start out with “those bastards…..” And all the unfair feelings just would tumble out. I really thought this was pointless and no help.

One day I began as usual, but I was really tired of it. I kept writing, but I wrote this:
Fact: there are a lot of really evil people everywhere. You will gain nothing from fighting them everyday.

I couldn’t believe I wrote that, but I continued and wrote Action. I wrote a few things for me to do.

Then I kept writing, as if I was telling myself to move on etc…. I just couldn’t stop writing good things.

I ended it by writing this: go and leave them in your dust and move on. Shake the dust off your feet and move on.

I suddenly thought about a verse I remembered and looked it up (LDS scriptures)

And shake off the dust of thy feet against those who receive thee not, not in their presence, lest thou provoke them, but in secret; and wash thy feet, as a testimony against them in the day of judgment. D & C 60:15

I actually wrote that out and read it everyday. And it’s a good visual too, whenever it find myself slipping back to anger at what happened.

Two years of therapy and medications.

I feel like painting now and actually moving forward.

via PressSync

Winter Moose

Winter Moose

Winter Moose, Rembrandt pastels and Derwent pastel pencils on Mi-tients Touch paper

This one was a real struggle, have had a few setbacks but I keep fighting. Part of having an illness like PTSD is knowing that every dark feeling will eventually leave (on meds!) and in a little while you will be feeling better. Truly one day at a time.

This moose took me a long time and provided lots of hours of calm and distraction from stress. I have only been drawing for a year, so I know it’s not fine art, but I keep trying. Art really is a metaphor for life.

Moose

Moose

This is a recent watercolour I did of a moose. I used a lot of masking fluid for the white ripples on the water, applied with a toothpick. I honestly don’t do backgrounds very well and it shows here. I used actual waterclours, I use Cotman in tubes. I much prefer the watercolour pencils. I just don’t seem to handle watercolours very well. I used ink on the moose.
My art is just for fun, I am not a professional, I just give these away to friends and family. I do this purely for the therapy 🙂