This is my serious face

 

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This is my serious face, Gouache on Canson Canvas paper, 12 x 16 inches

I have been experimenting with painting with brushes lately instead of pencil crayons and pastel crayons.

I started with acrylics but to be honest I don’t really like them. And then I tried to wash and I really love them. I think it’s because they dry very quickly and give beautiful matte colours. It just seems to be the right medium for me. I use Holbein gouache and stick to limited palette: Raw Sienna, Burnt Umber, Ultramarine Blue and Alizarin Crimson. I added a watercolour Paynes Grey because Holbein doesn’t make a gouache in it.

I have been really struggling mentally lately. Facing some big financial problems, missed 2 house payments. Still waiting for my Veterans claim, but found out today a buddy of mine waited 18 months. It’s been over 6 months wait for me. Awful to make people with mental disorders and depression wait so long.

I think it’s time I write my story down as if it was a news article because I need to get it out. I realize there’s no justice in this world but when you’re destitute, it hurts to know people who did this to you got away with it. Trying to count my blessings but it’s hard just to get out of bed.

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RCMP musical Ride candidate

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RCMP musical Ride candidate, mixed Media on Canson Canvaspaper

And I am continuing to try to paint freehand as much as possible and just paint in the bottom layers in tones and colours and then adding layers and details on top of it. I choose my background colour with whatever colour I feel like doing at the time.

This Hanoverian/ thoroughbred foal will be a candidate for the RCMP musical ride. This was their first time out in the field and they were pretty lively but stayed close to mum!

i used gouache instead of acrylics and it seemed to go a lot better, I’m not sure why. I like the matte finish of gouache better I guess.

i feel excited about art again, wish I could afford those big canvases and try to sell some!

Fearless

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Fearless, mixed media on Canson Canvas paper

A new style for me that I am trying out.

I basically took some canvas paper and did a quick sketch of the horses mouth and body and then just added tones and values. A new style for me that I am trying out. I basically just took some canvas paper and did a quick sketch of the horses mouth and body and then just added acrylic paint.

I’ve never had success with acrylic paint I just never liked it so I thought I would give it a try but I just couldn’t get the detail that I wanted so I ended up adding coloured pencil, pastel pencil and pastels to it so in other words it’s a mixed media.

Because of all the encouragement I thought from the other participants in the musical ride program I just decided I am an artist and I’m just going to have at it and just paint on the canvas.

I have to say that this is one painting that I actually love. I can’t say that about any of my other paintings are use me just do them and throw them on the side.

This one made me feel like a real artist and that I am much freer and looser which is what I’ve always wanted but with enough detail to make me happy.

I was in the army the last six months I couldn’t paint anything, I couldn’t finish anything really. I’m so glad that I had the courage to start up again but it’s because of encouragement from other veterans and soldiers like me.   They believed in me and they told me to keep at it even when I couldn’t see it and I didn’t see any point of painting.

it feels like a whole world opened up.

 

Straight to Auction

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Straight to Auction, Polychromos CP on Fabriano Hotpress WC paper

This is one of the foals from the Royal Canadian Mounted Police Musical Ride horses, born recently at their breeding farm. Because the only colour accepted in the ride is black or dark liver, this filly will be automatically sold at auction, priced from $8000 plus. They are a thoroughbred, Hanoverian mix, and are some of the most sought after horses in the world.

I recently got to visit the farm and take part in training with the RCMP Musical Ride as part of the Soldier On physical therapy programme for Canadian Veterans. It was a great experience and met some wonderful serving and released members who all struggle with issues and we manage to find a common ground. We support each other and brought a lot of positive energy into this world.

 

Evasive Maneuvers

 

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Evasive Maneuvers , Polychromos CP and Rembrant pastels on Fabriano WC hot press

I decided to go with an ethereal look for this. It’s time for me to stop practicing and do some real artwork for a change!

I combined many mediums for this, I did the background in pastels, as well as the highlights (yellows). I did the detail in CP but I wasn’t happy with it. Maybe I miss my pastels too much 🙂

I think I will reproduce this with pastels only.

I will be attending a trade convention this week, it has been a source of panic for me for the last week. Real panic, as in panic attack. I find myself telling myself I don’t want to be around people, all they are, are hurtful and I just can’t deal with comments and criticism right now.

I have been out of the military for about three weeks now and I had a trigger this week that put me right back into the toxic workplace I was in my last posting. I was surprised that it was me so much. Panic, crying just not able to handle anything, wanting to run away it all came back.harassment and bullying do so much damage to the human mind. Add military structure into that and it’s devastating.

I haven’t heard from SISIP so I am going ahead and just trying to find whatever job I can but it’s very stressful.

I did get a small severance pay and that there was an ad on Kijiji for a fifth wheel trailer that day that I could afford. It’s older and smaller than what I wanted but I could get it so I went to see it. it was in perfect condition and I bought it on the spot.

They delivered it to my house yesterday and my husband is cleaning it up. I’m going to be doing the decor and it’s going to be my little recluse and get away from everything. I also feel safe now because I am afraid of being homeless and this means I will always have a home. In a few months we will be looking for a pick up to buy and then we can go places or just move it.

 

Moose

Moose, soft pastels, conte crayons on BFK RIVES paper

Wanted to revisit this moose and try and improve it. I went to a local art school to see about maybe taking a class and imagine my surprise when I walked into the directors office and there on the wall was a huge moose head! I thought I was the only one who liked moose! It was done by a famous artist ( forgot the name) and is her preferred artwork of his. Just a huge moose profile, graphite on a grey paper.

So I just had to redo another moose. I added some colour just to make it interesting. I must have spent 2 hours just in the eye area!

I have turned a corner in my therapy! I was so stuck on the anger towards those who wronged me in the military and caused my breakdown. Just couldn’t get past it.

The therapist gave me an exercise to do everyday, the same time, for half an hour. I was to write down all my angry thoughts on paper. When done, I had to sort out fact from distortion.

Everyday it would start out with “those bastards…..” And all the unfair feelings just would tumble out. I really thought this was pointless and no help.

One day I began as usual, but I was really tired of it. I kept writing, but I wrote this:
Fact: there are a lot of really evil people everywhere. You will gain nothing from fighting them everyday.

I couldn’t believe I wrote that, but I continued and wrote Action. I wrote a few things for me to do.

Then I kept writing, as if I was telling myself to move on etc…. I just couldn’t stop writing good things.

I ended it by writing this: go and leave them in your dust and move on. Shake the dust off your feet and move on.

I suddenly thought about a verse I remembered and looked it up (LDS scriptures)

And shake off the dust of thy feet against those who receive thee not, not in their presence, lest thou provoke them, but in secret; and wash thy feet, as a testimony against them in the day of judgment. D & C 60:15

I actually wrote that out and read it everyday. And it’s a good visual too, whenever it find myself slipping back to anger at what happened.

Two years of therapy and medications.

I feel like painting now and actually moving forward.

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