This is my serious face

 

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This is my serious face, Gouache on Canson Canvas paper, 12 x 16 inches

I have been experimenting with painting with brushes lately instead of pencil crayons and pastel crayons.

I started with acrylics but to be honest I don’t really like them. And then I tried to wash and I really love them. I think it’s because they dry very quickly and give beautiful matte colours. It just seems to be the right medium for me. I use Holbein gouache and stick to limited palette: Raw Sienna, Burnt Umber, Ultramarine Blue and Alizarin Crimson. I added a watercolour Paynes Grey because Holbein doesn’t make a gouache in it.

I have been really struggling mentally lately. Facing some big financial problems, missed 2 house payments. Still waiting for my Veterans claim, but found out today a buddy of mine waited 18 months. It’s been over 6 months wait for me. Awful to make people with mental disorders and depression wait so long.

I think it’s time I write my story down as if it was a news article because I need to get it out. I realize there’s no justice in this world but when you’re destitute, it hurts to know people who did this to you got away with it. Trying to count my blessings but it’s hard just to get out of bed.

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Fawn & flower

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Fawn & Flower, Polychromos on Fabriano Bristol

i accomplished paintings in one night, mainly because I really love this media and am very eager to paint now.

Coloured pencils is all about layering and blending, two things I love. These pencils have amazing pigments and worth the price. It’s that or pay for pills…

Moose

Moose, soft pastels, conte crayons on BFK RIVES paper

Wanted to revisit this moose and try and improve it. I went to a local art school to see about maybe taking a class and imagine my surprise when I walked into the directors office and there on the wall was a huge moose head! I thought I was the only one who liked moose! It was done by a famous artist ( forgot the name) and is her preferred artwork of his. Just a huge moose profile, graphite on a grey paper.

So I just had to redo another moose. I added some colour just to make it interesting. I must have spent 2 hours just in the eye area!

I have turned a corner in my therapy! I was so stuck on the anger towards those who wronged me in the military and caused my breakdown. Just couldn’t get past it.

The therapist gave me an exercise to do everyday, the same time, for half an hour. I was to write down all my angry thoughts on paper. When done, I had to sort out fact from distortion.

Everyday it would start out with “those bastards…..” And all the unfair feelings just would tumble out. I really thought this was pointless and no help.

One day I began as usual, but I was really tired of it. I kept writing, but I wrote this:
Fact: there are a lot of really evil people everywhere. You will gain nothing from fighting them everyday.

I couldn’t believe I wrote that, but I continued and wrote Action. I wrote a few things for me to do.

Then I kept writing, as if I was telling myself to move on etc…. I just couldn’t stop writing good things.

I ended it by writing this: go and leave them in your dust and move on. Shake the dust off your feet and move on.

I suddenly thought about a verse I remembered and looked it up (LDS scriptures)

And shake off the dust of thy feet against those who receive thee not, not in their presence, lest thou provoke them, but in secret; and wash thy feet, as a testimony against them in the day of judgment. D & C 60:15

I actually wrote that out and read it everyday. And it’s a good visual too, whenever it find myself slipping back to anger at what happened.

Two years of therapy and medications.

I feel like painting now and actually moving forward.

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Baby Otter

Baby Otter, Soft Pastels on heavy Canson paper

I have been working with my therapists and here is a tip for when you have been betrayed and wronged and feel stuck.

Take 30 min each day at a specific time and write down all your thoughts about the situation. Do this everyday at the same time. You are not allowed to think about the situation after that, or you can save it for the next day.

This has helped tremendously for me and stopping the same record playing in my head.

I think my painting has improved too 🙂

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